Bring It Back is a regular series focused on advocating for long lost movies of past decades. Feel free to suggest the next movie needed for a reboot at @westcoastpious!
You know how there’s those memories of our childhood that seem to flash in and out? Not the vivid memory of that first crush walking in the classroom in 3rd grade, but more like the roller skates you got when you were three. Memories more like gifs and less like videos, where you can see yourself there but you can’t see what happens in the next scene.
I have lots of those gifs in my mind of my early years; being born in the early 90s with a dad keen with his camera, I can flip through all the photos that showed me arranging my Hot Wheels in order of fast (because looking fast is the relative way that every 4 year old determines car worth) or trying to see how many times I could fake the throw of the tennis ball before the golden retriever figured out I still had the ball.
Charlie Conway was right there next to me in many of those memories I have looking back. He was right there as I got my first hockey stick (a literal stick that my older cousin used a blunt knife to shave down the handle so I could hold it), showing me how to use my left hand lower on the shaft to increase my speed of my shot attempt. I remember his confident words as I tried the Who am I kidding though, I was ever as good at hockey as this guy was at Darwinian survival decisions.
So let’s dig deep; quack open a cold one (La Croix, beer, whatever), and let’s take a look at one of the greatest pieces of the 90s sports movie scene.
You wouldn’t think that The Mighty Ducks would have any sort of hold on my childhood, seeing as though growing up near San Francisco I had just as much of a chance for the local lake to freeze over as Gary Johnson had in the 2016 presidential election. Nonetheless, Charlie Conway, Goldberg, Fulton Reed and company was my boy band of the 90s. While this boy band didn’t have the sensitive upper vocal range of JT, they deliver hit after hit after hit.
We can’t just use all the storage available here on this site to go through moment by moment of every Goldberg fart joke (off the top of your head, what is his first name anyways? I’ve watched this damn movie twice this week, and I still can’t tell you his name other than Goldberg), Gordon Bombay terrible role model moment, or unnecessary romance inserted into children’s sports film in an attempt to try and bring all of the 40 year old mothers into the theater with their kids instead of hanging out at the wine bar next door for 2 hours. Here’s eleven top reasons why we need to bring the Ducks back into Generation Z (which is anyone born in or after 2004; don’t worry, I had to look that up too).
- Stranger Things will run its course, and we need a new kid based underdog to hold the mantle of most likely to be uncomfortably analyzed by adults.
- Hockey is the next great sports frontier. After the NFL collapses in 2023 after Tom Brady is killed on the field by the 12th man (a robot lineman designated to keep quarterbacks in the pocket), hockey will be right there ready to take over. The fast paced action, real legal fighting, easy advertising money from local dentists, and ease of pickup games in local rinks makes it a quick sell for big television money once the NFL is gone. On a serious side note, the NHL has the same identity issues that the NFL has: players wearing helmets have an issue branding themselves in the media. There’s two distinct sides to the media successes and struggles that leagues have, and its between the NHL/NFL and the NBA/MLB.
- This dark world needs wholesome Charlie Conway. This is 55% about how great that character is in this series, and 45% about how great Joshua Jackson looks in a beanie.
- We didn’t get into the second and third installments of the Mighty Ducks franchise here for brevity reasons, but I for one want more knucklepuck in my life.
- This movie is clearly a terrific date movie for all you dudes out there. If you’re dating someone currently who can’t stand watching an eclectic mix of young Minnesotans rise up from underdog status, then just pose it as a documentary about the bourgeoisie rising up to authority in the Canadian inspired countryside of the 20th century.
- If the movie comes back, so can the cartoon series! Free money!
- I want to see a new “coming together” scene where we see 13 adults in their thirties and forties roller-blading through the streets of Las Vegas whilst being chased by a Paul Blart-type on a segway, but being ultimately stopped when Goldberg tries to catch up in the group via an Uber that is being driven by Idris Elba’s character who happens to be looking for a practice team for the new NHL franchise starting in town.
- I want to see how many different actresses they can have play the head coach’s love interest in one movie. I say 6 is not enough!
- The mascot won’t offend (nearly) anyone! In this age of football teams in Washington DC, Chief Wahoos, and Blackhawks, there’s a name for anyone to hate on. PETA aside, let the Duck fly together!
- Generation Z is missing their Sandlot film. The Sandlot held a special place in kid’s hearts for nearly 50 years, but what sports movie is nostalgic and redeeming for 10 years olds in 2017? McFarland, USA?
- Sometimes, it’s good to have a movie that reminds us that Minnesota has sports teams too and not just injured quarterbacks.
Oh, one last thing Disney (who still owns the rights to the Mighty Ducks franchise): leave Adam Banks alone. Don’t go find him in his young parenthood or late athletic career and bring him back into the series. Nobody likes Adam Banks. Banks is that one kid whose mom drops off his lunch every day at the office, he’s that one kid who showed up with new Jordans every month of the basketball season and you’re still playing in Shaqs, and he’s that one adult who keeps butting into conversations around your office with his golf advice on what driver would fit your swing the best.