The flu hits everyone at some point, right? It’s been a couple weeks since our last post for this startup site, but we’re angling to get back at it in this new year. All stats quoted are from prior to week 16 of the NFL season.
I try and keep fads at a distance. Fidget spinners, Harlem Shake, making slime; I’m more than happy to let them run their course in the public’s eye just so I can keep my focus on the things that matter. Family, God, and our neighbors are the promises we made to each other, remember?
But sometimes we can’t shake an urge within. I’m fully aware that sentence just made you dry heave. There’s another presence in my life that is calling for my attention, and I need to come clean to you now before this goes too far.
Since we’ve lived in Seattle, we’ve witnessed the LoMosexuals of Safeco Field, the Beast Mode effect, and who can forget when we witnessed a misdemeanor in front of 67,000. However, there is a rumbling down the coast from my upbringing that I can’t ignore any longer.
Me and my friends call him Jimmy. He’s a decent guy, comes from a classic, large Italian family. He’s the kind of guy who makes enough to pick up the bill when we go out, but definitely has potential to make a few more bucks down the road. We’ve seen people with this kind of potential many times before, but this time he’s different.
A BRIEF BIASED PAUSE TO RANK THE TOP FIVE MOST HANDSOME ATHLETES EVER
5. J.J. Redick (come on UNC fans, get over it)
4. Cristiano Ronaldo (this list would be incomplete without him)
3. David Beckham (what is it about the soccer players and their looks?)
2. Chris Paul (stunner at #2!)
1. Henry Rowengartner.
I’m just not sure how we can come to terms and keep me from embracing Jimmy this time. Unlike the slap bracelets of the 90s, this fad is one that should stick around for awhile.
What do you mean you want more evidence? You haven’t heard all the press? Fine.
Jimmy times things just right.
Jimmy is patient.
Jimmy has his bad habits (like throwing off his back leg), but he makes it look so damn good.
What do you mean this is anecdotal evidence? Fine, face the facts.
Jimmy just can’t be stopped. Jimmy’s 4th quarters thus far: 23-29, 305 yds, 1 TD 0 INT, 122 Passer Rating, 3 wins.
Even with that high completion percentage, Jimmy takes risks. Jimmy’s 9.9 intended yards per pass attempt places him in the upper echelon of the top 5 NFL quarterbacks, but he is the only one among those 5 quarterbacks to also be in the top 5 in completion percentage.
Jimmy is relatable. His small upbringing from a mid-major university in Illinois lets us common folks resonate with his path to success. From breaking nearly every one of Tony Romo’s Eastern Illinois passing records to learning from the greatest quarterback to don a helmet, Jimmy has flirted with the spotlight here and there, but now it’s his time to embrace the blinding focus of the light.
So, my dear wife, this moment has come. It’s time to embrace the moment and allow Jimmy to bring me in close in trust and long term money. May John Lynch bless us and bless you.
Never have I been so excited for a quarterback with 8 career touchdowns, not since Ken Dorsey.